i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
