after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
