I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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