i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
