ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Found the puke drawer
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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