My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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