when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
