Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
