He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
