I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
