Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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