I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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