can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
