Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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