11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
