So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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