my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
