MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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