I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
