hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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