Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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