Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
