saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can text with my tongue
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
