Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
