i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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