I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
sex in a hospital.. check
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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