I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
