It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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