So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
