If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
