Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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