Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
