Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
