I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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