I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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