i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
that's an acceptable place to lick
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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