I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
