It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
