I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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