The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
