i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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