Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There r osticjed everywhere
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
