Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
