i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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