I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
