I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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