bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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