Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
