This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
