my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
As shirtless as possible
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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