I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
