I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
