For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
