he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
