ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My penis needs a shock collar
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
