I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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